It's 12:58 AM, and I can't sleep.
Not in the regular way, as in, "I'm not tired, I can't sleep." I'm tired as fuck. I wish I would just lay down, but... It's a dead night. There's a painting in my head, and I can't stop thinking it. I want to sleep. I don't have anything to do tomorrow, I want to sleep.
Merchant Ships is a band that broke up in 2009, then got back together. They're really damn good. It's one of those bands I wish I was in. There are a lot of those. It's the perfect music for watching your best friend ruin his life, viewing your girlfriend killing your ambitions, missing friends you know you'll never see again, smoking away the night with new ones, thinking about the only love you've ever wanted, but can't have. It's the teenage condition, and Merchant Ships are the soundtrack.
I have a theory that everything in my life stands for something I feel that I've lost about my childhood. As if I'm trying to gain back innocence and wonder. As if I, somehow, through my actions and words, can travel back in time and spend more afternoons in my backyard digging up rollie pollies. This band is when I would scream. I would scream for hours on end simply to make the noise. Not that I don't still do that, but... I think my escape is working. Wait, not escape. I meant trap.